(Discovered as a note by Stephen Mitton on FaceBook.)
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork " - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
31 March, 2009
23 March, 2009
Voicemail Favourites May 2008 - March 2009
From Reilly: May 27, 2008
Hey Kams, it's me Rei. But I'm calling from Kate's phone. Because me, Kate, and Lyssa are hanging out. And, I don't have my cell phone on me, so if you want to talk to me you have to call my house phone. But, cuz, I... don't call right now because everyone's asleep, but I'm not going to have my phone on me for like a week or so. (aside) GO AROUND GO AROUND GO AROUND. And...um...so... that's what it means. (aside) GO AROUND GO AROUND GO AROUND. Sorry, I'm telling Aaron Herrmann to go around. Again. Sorry, I forget that I'm leaving a message when I'm leaving a message. I do it all the time. So um.. yeah. I'm done with this message. But call me later. Bye.
From Edwin: September 03, 2008
(In homestarrunner voice) Oh hewwo. You didn't answer your phone, so...gimme a call back so I can know where to go. Okay Bye.
From Reilly: November 21, 2008
Oh, what up Love-Muffin. I was just calling you because I miss you, and I wanted to hear your voice. Plus, I was thinking that we should sign up for the same class but at different colleges, so that we can like, call each other, and be like, "Oh Wow, wasn't our class great today?" And I can be like "Yeah, yeah, it was. It was like we were there together, you know?" Maybe that could be worked out. There's a couple bugs with that one. But, um... yeah, you should call me back. But I'm going to see you soon anyway, so um... okay. Love you bye.
From Casey: January 9, 2009
(falsetto voice) Yeah baby, baby yeah baby baby baby yeahhhhhhhh baby. Neon baby. Cleopatra and a bus full of old ladies and legless llamas. They're all friends of the friends of the city. Friends of the friends of the Neon Baby. (regular voice) Uh. I just love ya. That is all.
From Casey: January 20, 2009
Hey, so.... You know what I miss most about you? The way you would, you know, dress up like a man, and burp after every meal. Especially if chicken was involved. And the was you would drive that Harley Davidson through the field. Like a mad...woman-man. Yeah, that was pretty hot. And the way you would herd those cattle. Yeah. They were afraid of you. AS WAS I. That is all.
From Casey: January 22, 2009
Aww, naw, gurl. Whatcha doin? Best watch your phone, Shawty. Just callin' to see how she's rollin', and she don't even pick up! That's a flat out diss! Darn shame, cracka. Call me back, woman, or C-Dubb'll leave you for another fly honey.
From Casey: January 28, 2009
HELLO!!!! Okay, story time. So, You know that tie-fighter shirt you gave me for Christmas? Yeah, for some reason it makes me look really buff. Like, like BUFF buff. And it's really weird. And I was thinking that, and then Brady was like "Casey, you look buff in that shirt." And I was like, "I know. So weird." So, I guess you gave me some magic shirt, because I really haven't been working out. I mean, I just do push ups, but yeah. Doesn't make that much of a difference. Pretty neat. OH! And another story, this one's even better. So, I was at Cody's farewell thingy um, at his house, afterward. His little, you know, party-get-together. His cousins and his brother-in-law were playing Legos on the floor in front of my sister and I, and all of a sudden one of his little cousins was just like "Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow." Ha ha ha. It was so weird! It was out of nowhere, and I was like, "What the heck is this kid saying Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow for? And why does he know such a thing? yeah. it was pretty good. Anyways this is a really long message. um, I hope you break a leg. OR an arm, in your play. Or a pelvic bone or something. Anyways... I love you Chief. Bye.
From Brian: January 29, 2009
Hey you, it's me. I'm just finishing classes, and thought I would give you a call and see how you're doing, and see if you're feeling any better. Love you and give me a call a little bit later. 'Kay bye!
From Brian: January 30, 2009
Hey babe, it's me. I'm just calling to say thank you for lunch, and hope you're having a good time. I think you're at work... But, um... yeah. Just that I miss you and thank you for just everything. Alright, I love you. Talk to you later. Bye.
From Casey: February 02, 2009
Hello. This is Barack Obama. I think you are a horrible American. I know all about your plan to assassinate me with a shovel. But I believe that we can change this, I believe we can convince you to use a more civilized weapon, say a gun, or a lightsaber. I have hope. This message has been approved by Barack Obama. Thank you.
From Lorin: February 07,2009
Nahava-shiva-schmende-cahorta-shcmindey-schmava. Hey. I just was talking in Italian. Apparently everybody thinks I'm Italian, I've had to tell them that I'm actually part Hawaiian so... Hey! Sisson. Um... uh, you're probably rehearsing or doing something like that. Um... a bunch of friends and I are over at my house, we're having breakfast. Breakfast at 10:00 at night! (English accent) So, if you'd like to come. You can bring whoever. You, Emilie, Brian, whoever. So, so. Yeah. Heh. Alright, I'll see you later. Bye.
From Matty: February 10, 2009
Kamasaurolophus. Um, this is the coolest kid in the world calling you. And uh. he was calling to tell you he uh... was wondering where you were, because um he has your stuff. Like your movies, like uh... Aviator. Because I took that too. Wait, did I take that from you? I might have taken that from somebody else. I dunno. Anyway. Um, yes. Uh. Calling to see what you're doing because I was going to my car, and I was going to stop bye, but (Russian accent) You're not answering your phone. Anyway, when you get this gimme a ring-a-ling. Okay bye.
From Brian: February 11, 2009
Hey baby. It's me. I'm just walking around campus right now. We need to live in Southern California. It is Feb and it's like 75 degrees, and the suns out, and it's beautiful. And it's probably very cold and snowy where we are. Where YOU are. Anyway. Um.. just calling to say hi, and that I love you, and that I hope you're having a good day, and just wanted to talk to you. Okay, talk to you later. Love you, bye.
From Brock: February 23, 2009
(long raspberry sound) You didn't come up today or call me or anything. Okay, bye.
From Bundy: February 24, 2009
Hey kiddo. It's Dallin. I just wanted to call and let you know that you did awesome. It was uh... a little more awkward than I thought it would be, not because of the show itself, but just because all the weird people looking at me because I was a guy. In the vagina monologues. Anyway. Awesome. Um. Yeah. Peace.
From Bundy: February 25, 2009
Oh, I see how it is. You don't come say hi the second time. I'm only good for, I'm only good for what? One hello? One hello you did a good job? That's all I'm good for? yeah, that's what I figured. We're not friends anymore. How about that? How do you like them apples? Not friends. Anymore. Take that, Kami. GRRRRRRR.
From Casey: February 29, 2009
Hello, this is John Morozov with KRAP radio. You've just won a free salmon. Call back to... receive your free salmon. And always remember the smelly radio station. KRAP... radio... from the toilet.
Hey Kams, it's me Rei. But I'm calling from Kate's phone. Because me, Kate, and Lyssa are hanging out. And, I don't have my cell phone on me, so if you want to talk to me you have to call my house phone. But, cuz, I... don't call right now because everyone's asleep, but I'm not going to have my phone on me for like a week or so. (aside) GO AROUND GO AROUND GO AROUND. And...um...so... that's what it means. (aside) GO AROUND GO AROUND GO AROUND. Sorry, I'm telling Aaron Herrmann to go around. Again. Sorry, I forget that I'm leaving a message when I'm leaving a message. I do it all the time. So um.. yeah. I'm done with this message. But call me later. Bye.
From Edwin: September 03, 2008
(In homestarrunner voice) Oh hewwo. You didn't answer your phone, so...gimme a call back so I can know where to go. Okay Bye.
From Reilly: November 21, 2008
Oh, what up Love-Muffin. I was just calling you because I miss you, and I wanted to hear your voice. Plus, I was thinking that we should sign up for the same class but at different colleges, so that we can like, call each other, and be like, "Oh Wow, wasn't our class great today?" And I can be like "Yeah, yeah, it was. It was like we were there together, you know?" Maybe that could be worked out. There's a couple bugs with that one. But, um... yeah, you should call me back. But I'm going to see you soon anyway, so um... okay. Love you bye.
From Casey: January 9, 2009
(falsetto voice) Yeah baby, baby yeah baby baby baby yeahhhhhhhh baby. Neon baby. Cleopatra and a bus full of old ladies and legless llamas. They're all friends of the friends of the city. Friends of the friends of the Neon Baby. (regular voice) Uh. I just love ya. That is all.
From Casey: January 20, 2009
Hey, so.... You know what I miss most about you? The way you would, you know, dress up like a man, and burp after every meal. Especially if chicken was involved. And the was you would drive that Harley Davidson through the field. Like a mad...woman-man. Yeah, that was pretty hot. And the way you would herd those cattle. Yeah. They were afraid of you. AS WAS I. That is all.
From Casey: January 22, 2009
Aww, naw, gurl. Whatcha doin? Best watch your phone, Shawty. Just callin' to see how she's rollin', and she don't even pick up! That's a flat out diss! Darn shame, cracka. Call me back, woman, or C-Dubb'll leave you for another fly honey.
From Casey: January 28, 2009
HELLO!!!! Okay, story time. So, You know that tie-fighter shirt you gave me for Christmas? Yeah, for some reason it makes me look really buff. Like, like BUFF buff. And it's really weird. And I was thinking that, and then Brady was like "Casey, you look buff in that shirt." And I was like, "I know. So weird." So, I guess you gave me some magic shirt, because I really haven't been working out. I mean, I just do push ups, but yeah. Doesn't make that much of a difference. Pretty neat. OH! And another story, this one's even better. So, I was at Cody's farewell thingy um, at his house, afterward. His little, you know, party-get-together. His cousins and his brother-in-law were playing Legos on the floor in front of my sister and I, and all of a sudden one of his little cousins was just like "Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow." Ha ha ha. It was so weird! It was out of nowhere, and I was like, "What the heck is this kid saying Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow for? And why does he know such a thing? yeah. it was pretty good. Anyways this is a really long message. um, I hope you break a leg. OR an arm, in your play. Or a pelvic bone or something. Anyways... I love you Chief. Bye.
From Brian: January 29, 2009
Hey you, it's me. I'm just finishing classes, and thought I would give you a call and see how you're doing, and see if you're feeling any better. Love you and give me a call a little bit later. 'Kay bye!
From Brian: January 30, 2009
Hey babe, it's me. I'm just calling to say thank you for lunch, and hope you're having a good time. I think you're at work... But, um... yeah. Just that I miss you and thank you for just everything. Alright, I love you. Talk to you later. Bye.
From Casey: February 02, 2009
Hello. This is Barack Obama. I think you are a horrible American. I know all about your plan to assassinate me with a shovel. But I believe that we can change this, I believe we can convince you to use a more civilized weapon, say a gun, or a lightsaber. I have hope. This message has been approved by Barack Obama. Thank you.
From Lorin: February 07,2009
Nahava-shiva-schmende-cahorta-shcmindey-schmava. Hey. I just was talking in Italian. Apparently everybody thinks I'm Italian, I've had to tell them that I'm actually part Hawaiian so... Hey! Sisson. Um... uh, you're probably rehearsing or doing something like that. Um... a bunch of friends and I are over at my house, we're having breakfast. Breakfast at 10:00 at night! (English accent) So, if you'd like to come. You can bring whoever. You, Emilie, Brian, whoever. So, so. Yeah. Heh. Alright, I'll see you later. Bye.
From Matty: February 10, 2009
Kamasaurolophus. Um, this is the coolest kid in the world calling you. And uh. he was calling to tell you he uh... was wondering where you were, because um he has your stuff. Like your movies, like uh... Aviator. Because I took that too. Wait, did I take that from you? I might have taken that from somebody else. I dunno. Anyway. Um, yes. Uh. Calling to see what you're doing because I was going to my car, and I was going to stop bye, but (Russian accent) You're not answering your phone. Anyway, when you get this gimme a ring-a-ling. Okay bye.
From Brian: February 11, 2009
Hey baby. It's me. I'm just walking around campus right now. We need to live in Southern California. It is Feb and it's like 75 degrees, and the suns out, and it's beautiful. And it's probably very cold and snowy where we are. Where YOU are. Anyway. Um.. just calling to say hi, and that I love you, and that I hope you're having a good day, and just wanted to talk to you. Okay, talk to you later. Love you, bye.
From Brock: February 23, 2009
(long raspberry sound) You didn't come up today or call me or anything. Okay, bye.
From Bundy: February 24, 2009
Hey kiddo. It's Dallin. I just wanted to call and let you know that you did awesome. It was uh... a little more awkward than I thought it would be, not because of the show itself, but just because all the weird people looking at me because I was a guy. In the vagina monologues. Anyway. Awesome. Um. Yeah. Peace.
From Bundy: February 25, 2009
Oh, I see how it is. You don't come say hi the second time. I'm only good for, I'm only good for what? One hello? One hello you did a good job? That's all I'm good for? yeah, that's what I figured. We're not friends anymore. How about that? How do you like them apples? Not friends. Anymore. Take that, Kami. GRRRRRRR.
From Casey: February 29, 2009
Hello, this is John Morozov with KRAP radio. You've just won a free salmon. Call back to... receive your free salmon. And always remember the smelly radio station. KRAP... radio... from the toilet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
